


Raking In The (Annoyed Grunt)

by KingAlanI



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:35:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2411816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingAlanI/pseuds/KingAlanI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Simpsons script I wrote years ago. Could be longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raking In The (Annoyed Grunt)

**Raking In The (Annoyed Grunt)**

By Alan Gilfoy in the world of Matt Groening

Original version timestamped 2004.05.23

 

**_Bart’s blackboard gag:_ **

I will not sell Girl Scout popcorn and Boy Scout cookies

 

**_Couch gag:_ **

couch buried in donuts, Lard Lad boxes to the side, family eats donuts, makes “I ate too much” noises and actions, sits down to watch TV, Homer changes channel with remote

 

The scene- the Simpsons living room

 

Homer: (ANNOYED GRUNT) It’s Mother’s Day and I forgot to get Marge anything. (Lisa walks down stairs, sleepy-eyed) Oh, good morning, Lisa.

 

Lisa: How about a breakfast in bed? Mom’ll like that.

 

Homer: OK. (He and Lisa walk into the kitchen)

 

The scene- the Simpsons kitchen

 

Homer and Lisa start cooking. Lisa starts by washing her hands.

 

Lisa: Let’s get cooking. Literally.

 

            Homer and Lisa get out various ingredients (milk, eggs, butter, powdered sugar, flour, baking powder, bread, cinnamon, vanilla, little jars of cake mix, salt, cooking oil, water, tea, a melon) and various utensils (griddle, frying pan, measuring cups, recipe cards, bowls, mixing spoons, eggbeater, teapot, water kettle, spatula, melonballer)

 

            Lisa makes French toast batter. Homer puts the griddle on the stove and butters (greases) it for French toast. Homer takes the bowl from Lisa and dips a slice of bread in it. Homer puts it on the griddle. On the way, drips fall off the slice and land on the counter. This is repeated a second time. Lisa moves on to pancake batter. She puts in flour, baking powder, milk, eggs, cinnamon, salt and vanilla in the bowl. The flour spills. Eggs fall onto the floor, as in that anti-drug commercial. Large quantities of ingredients fall onto the floor. Lisa turns on the electric mixer.

 

(Bart walks into the kitchen)

 

Bart: Mornin’ Lis, mornin’ Homer.

Homer: Good morning, Boy. Get me a beer.

(Bart goes into fridge and gets Homer a beer) (Homer opens the beer and takes a sip)

Homer: mmm.... beer

Lisa : Dad, it’s time to flip the French toast.

Homer: Boy, do that and I’ll forget about when you called Moe’s and paged

Bart: No.

Homer: Why you little.... (strangles Bart)

Lisa: Be quiet or you’ll wake up Mom. **I’ll** flip the French toast.

(Lisa grabs a spatula and flips the french toast)

(Lisa continues to mix the pancake batter. Pancake batter flies all over the place.)

 

Lisa: (annoyed grunt)

 

(Lisa takes the pancake batter and puts four pancakes on the griddle.)

 

Homer: Boy, make the eggs.

 

(Bart takes three eggs, cracks them into the frying pan and scrambles them. He puts the pan on the stove, the handle facing out.)

 

(Maggie walks into the kitchen. Maggie reaches for the frying pan. )

 

Lisa: Maggie, no! (a look of terror on Lisa’s face) (She grabs Maggie and walks into the living room to put Maggie in her playpen.)

 

Homer starts balling melons and puts them on a plate, eating quite a few. Lisa walks back in, covered in flour and eggs.

 

Lisa: Those are for Mom!

 

Homer: Can’t talk. Eating.

 

Bart takes a piece of bread and puts it in the toaster.

 

Lisa takes the French toast and puts it on a plate and she flips the pancakes. The pancakes cook fast, so Lisa puts them on the plate. She puts the plate on the kitchen table. She takes the frying pan with the eggs and puts it on the table.

 

The toast is done, so Bart takes it out of the toaster. He puts it on a little plate and puts it on the table.

 

Animator note: Give a frantic pace to this scene, with people running and timers dinging.

 

Lisa: There, all finished.

Homer: Ooh! Now for some finishing touches.

 

Bart: I’ll get syrup. (He gets the maple syrup from the fridge)

Lisa: I’ll pour Mom some orange juice. (She gets a juice glass and the juice. She pours awkwardly and juice spills, creating an orange waterfall. She places the filled glass on the table.)

 

Homer: You can’t have French toast without powdered sugar. Mmmm.... powdered sugar. (Homer puts a square of butter and some powdered sugar on both slices.)

 

(Bart gets some applesauce)

 

(Bart gets out a Bumblebee Man card that says “!Eres una madre numero uno!”. He fills in “To Marge” and “Love, Bart”. He writes “You’re a great mom” on the inside.)

 

Lisa: Now where did I put that card?

 

(Lisa takes out a beautiful handmade card that she made earlier and puts it on top of Bart’s card)

 

Lisa: Dad, why didn’t you make a card?

Homer: Well, it’s Mother’s Day, not Wives’ Day.

Homer (looks around): Hmm, we’re missing something.

 

Lisa: Right. (Lisa pours a bowl of cereal with milk.) (Lisa leaves open the box of cereal and it spills.

 

Lisa: I’ve got it! (She takes a fork, knife, spoon and a napkin and puts them next to a plate.)

 

Lisa(placing the cereal bowl on the table) Ah, finished. (placing a flower in a small vase)

 

Homer gets two small folding tables on which to transport the food.

 

Homer (looks at tables) : Good old Tupperware.

 

Lisa and Bart place items on the two tables. Lisa and Bart each pick up a table. The three start walking up the stairs. Maggie opens her playpen with a screwdriver and follows the three up the stairs.

 

Homer: Now remember kids, be quiet. I want Marge to want to do some serious snuggling with me when she’s done eating.

Lisa/Bart: We’ll be quiet.

 

(The three creep up the stairs. Homer eases open the door. He flicks on the light switch.)

 

The scene- Homer/Marge’s bedroom

 

Homer/Bart/ Lisa : Surprise! (Bart and Lisa show off their tables of food) (Maggie makes a contented pacifier noise)

 

Marge: How wonderful! Homie, I have a little secret for you.

 

Homer: You’re not pregnant again, are you? I don’t have much hair left to tear out. (Homer points to his head)

 

Marge: No, it’s not that. (Homer walks up to Marge and Marge whispers something.)

 

Homer: (ANNOYED GRUNT) Sunday? So we still have to go to church?

 

Marge: Yes, but we need to eat breakfast first. (Marge cuts herself a piece of French toast and eats it) (Marge continues eating her breakfast as the others watch her)

 

Marge: That’s a nice card, Bart. I wonder how much Apu charged for it? Lisa, I just love your card.

 

The family goes off to get dressed.

 

Marge is the first to walk down to the kitchen. She sees the mess that was made by Homer, Lisa and Bart.

 

The scene- the Simpsons kitchen

 

Marge: (FRUSTRATED MURMUR) Well, breakfast was very good. (yells up stairs “Kids, quickly! Church is in fifteen minutes!” (the kids run into the kitchen)

 

Bart: Mom, I’m hungry.

 

Marge: You mean you haven’t eaten yet?

 

Bart: Don’t have a cow, man.

 

Marge: Allright, emergency fifteen minutes till church breakfast food. (Marge gets a box out of the cupboard)

 

Homer: Mmmmm.....PopTarts.

 

(The three eat their PopTarts) Marge feeds Maggie a bottle of Krusty’s Non-Narkotik Baby Formula.

(In reference to “Flaming Homer/Flaming Moe”- Krusty’s Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup)

The scene- the Simpsons’ driveway

 

(The Simpsons are sitting in the car. The car won’t start)

 

Homer: Start, you stupid car! (Homer turns key and honks horn furiously, to no avail)

(Homer sees Flanders drive off)

Homer: That stupid Flanders!

 

Homer(infuriated): Start, you damn piece of junk!

 

Marge: Homer, not on a Sunday!

(car roars to life, then stops)

 

Homer: (ANNOYED GRUNT) (leans on horn)

(The car starts and Homer drives it to church)

 

the scene- in church

 

Reverend Lovejoy: The Book of Exodus doth sayeth “Honor thy **mother** and father” I hope you remembered that today, people. (pans filled pews) Oh, my sermon’s over. (closes book) Collection plate time. The church receiveth and the church taketh away. Ned Flanders and his family will be passing the collection plates today- **again.**

 

Maude Flanders: I want this filled by the time it comes out the other end of the pew.

 

Captain Mc Callister: Aar, I found buried treasure on one of me voyages. (puts hundred dollar bill in plate)

 

Homer: Ooh- a C-note. (reaches for bill)

 

Reverend Lovejoy (voice booming): Thou shalt not steal!

 

the congregation : (appalled)

Lisa: Remember the “stolen cable TV” incident?

(Homer sheepishly puts bill back)

 

Bart: Alright, a nickel. (reaches under pew)

 

(Lisa dumps in some change and a few crumpled dollar bills. You clearly see one with serial #L12091901S, marked www.wheresgeorge.com) (Note: The numbers are code for LISA: 12=L, 09=I, 19=S, 01=A

 

(Bart rises from the pew)

 

Bart: Five seconds on the clock, Simpson going down the court! Four, three, two, one, Simpson shoots at the buzzer, (throws nickel at moving collection plate) SWOOSH! It’s in!

 

Homer: Why you little... (strangles Bart)

Marge: Not in church!

 

(the collection plates go through all the rows)

 

(As the dismissal hymn plays, the church patrons leave for their cars)

 

(Homer drives off)

 

the scene- the middle of Springfield

 

(the family is driving past Lard Lad Donuts. There is a sign that says: Donuts- half price)

 

Homer: Mmmmm......half-price donuts

Lisa/Bart: Can we stop, Mom? Can we? Can we?

Marge: Well, I suppose.

 

(The family parks and enters Lard Lad Donuts. Homer walks up to the counter to order.)

 

The scene- Lard Lad Donuts

 

Pimple-faced kid: Hi, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: Uh, I’ll have three dozen donuts....

(Everybody bursts into song)

Bart: Jelly filled

Lisa: Raspberry, if you please (slides to middle of floor)

Marge: With sprinkles (medium to high pitch)

Dr. Hibbert: Crumbed donuts (medium to high pitch)

(Princess Kashmir walks in) (People turn their faces in her direction)

Marge: (FRUSTRATED MURMUR)

Princess Kashmir: Donuts that are glazed (medium to high pitch)

Mindy Simmons: Chocolate frosted (medium to high pitch)

 

Otto

Like whooa … but they shoulda called you Princess Stairway; that song’s even more awesome.

(whips out electric guitar and starts soloing)

 

the crowd (various people from Springfield): Donuts! (medium to high) Donuts! (medium to high) Donuts! (medium to high) Donuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts! (medium)

 

(People reach toward the center with their hands out, like the end of a song in a musical)

 

the crowd: Donuts!

 

Pimple faced kid (to Homer): Uh, your order, sir?

Homer: 6 lemon jelly filled, 6 raspberry filled, 6 original glazed, 6 chocolate frosted with sprinkles, 6 plain donuts and 6 powdered sugar.

Pimple- faced kid: Three dozen donuts. That’ll be $21.

Homer: Hey, aren’t they supposed to be half price?

Pimple-faced kid: They are.

Homer: What?

Pimple-faced kid: Hand over the twelve fifty-four or you don’t get the donuts.

Homer: Okay. (counts out money)

 

(The family gets up to leave. Maggie has a powdered sugar donut in her mouth and she sucks on it contentedly)

 

The scene- the Simpsons’ car

Homer: Marge, I never realized Lard Lad donuts were so expensive.

Marge: Either them or no donuts at all.

Homer(pleading): No donuts? Do you realize what you’re saying?

Homer(declaratory voice): I’ve got it! I’ll open up my own donut shop!

Bart: Homer, we already have seven mortgages.

Lisa: Bart has a point.

Homer: Well then, we’re getting an eighth. (Homer turns around and drives into the Springfield Bank)

Marge: (FRUSTRATED MURMUR) We already have seven mortgages, so an eighth shouldn’t hurt.

 

(Homer parks near the bank in a no parking zone)

 

the scene- The Springfield Bank [Sign says “Now With Sunday Hours”]

 

Mayor Quimby: I would like to make a “cash withdrawal”, please.

Pimple- faced kid (putting piles of bills on the bank counter): Take what you want, sir.

Mayor Quimby: Thank you. (puts bills in pocket)

 

Marge: My husband and I would.....

 

Snake(kicks open the door): This is a stick-up! Hands up! (people stick their hands up) Nobody call the cops or my little hostage gets it! (pointing a gun at Jessica Lovejoy)

 

Apu (puts hands up): I know the procedure for armed robbery. I work in a convenience store you know.

Snake: Shut up.

Jessica Lovejoy: Stop, you mean old freak (kicks Snake)

Snake: Ow. My shin.

Pimple-faced kid(to self): Remember employee training. Robbery procedures- press secret call the cops button (presses little red button)

 

the scene- Springfield police headquarters

 

Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie are sitting around eating donuts and drinking coffee.

 

(Alarm): WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!

Chief Wiggum (reading crime alert map) (to Lou and and Eddie): Put down the donuts. We have a 10-90 at the Springfield Bank. (bank alarm) I repeat, we have a 10-90.

 

The three get in the squad car and drive to the bank, sirens wailing.

 

the scene- Springfield Bank

 

Snake: Hand over the money. (Bank tellers give Snake the money in the trays)

Snake: Now open the vault. (Snake’s henchmen put the money from the trays into dollar-sign bags)

(One of Snake’s henchmen turns Nelson upside down and shakes him. Coins fall out.)

 

Nelson: Oww. It’s not so funny when you’re on the receiving end.

 

Pimple faced kid (to Snake) :The vault is on a ten minute time delay. (He turns the combination)

Automated voice: The vault will open in

Different automated voice: ten

Automated voice: minutes and

Different automated voice: zero

Automated voice: seconds

 

Chief Wiggum kicks open the door. The three officers have their guns drawn.

 

Chief Wiggum: Freeze! Springfield Police!

 

Snake: Stay back, coppers! (fires bullet at Officer Lou) (He’s hit)

Chief Wiggum (into radio): We have a 10-52. (need for ambulance) 10-40. (respond quietly)

Headquarters: We copy your 10-52, Wiggum. We know you’re at the Springfield Bank. 10-4, over and out.

 

Automated voice: 8 minutes

Different automated voice: and

Automated voice: thirty seconds

different automated voice #2: until vault opening.

 

A standoff between Snake and Wiggum ensues.

 

Automated voice: 6 minutes

Different automated voice: and

Automated voice: 15 seconds until vault opening.

 

(the ambulance arrives)

 

Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!

(Hi, Dr. Nick)

Dr. Nick (ambulance paramedic) : See, this powdered donut stopped the bullet. (taking a donut out of Lou’s pocket)

 

Lou: I forgot that I had that in there. Must be pretty stale by now. Anybody got any coffee?

 

(Dr. Nick has already run off to the ATM)

Dr. Nick: Hi again, everybody!

(Hi again, Dr. Nick)

Dr. Nick: Sorry; my buddy Luke is graduating from med school, and I needed money to slip in the card. Got my drunk gifting on; gonna regret it in the morn’.

 

Automated voice: 5 minutes

Different automated voice: and

Automated voice: thirty seconds until vault opening

 

Chief Wiggum: Awright, you’re under arrest. (slaps handcuffs on Snake) (leads Snake to police car)

 

Pimple- faced kid: As you were saying, ma’am?

Marge: My husband and I would like to apply for an eighth mortgage.

Pimple faced kid: Your name?

Marge (James Bond like) : The name is Simpson. Marge Simpson.

Pimple- faced kid: Simpson? (looks up name on computer) Application.............

Pimple-faced kid:..........denied

Homer: (ANNOYED GRUNT)

Marge: Er, I said Sampson.

Pimple-faced kid: OK. Approved.

 

Homer: Ooh, candy. (takes handfuls of candy from a bowl on the counter) (puts them in his pockets)

 

Marge fills out a mortgage application.

 

Pimple- faced kid: Accepted. (gives Marge a wad of money)

(The family walks out, with Marge counting the money)

 

Scene- outside the bank

 

(Homer sees the ticket in the windshield)

 

Homer: (ANNOYED GRUNT) (looks at ticket)

Homer: Sixty dollars?

Bart: Don’t have a cow, man. We’ve got $42,000 right here. (points at wad of money)

Lisa: Dad, you did triple-park in a no parking zone. (points at sign)

 

Marge: Let’s go home now.

(the family drives off) (pulls in)

 

The scene- the Simpson’s driveway

 

Bart: Let’s have those donuts now.

Homer: Oh, right. The donuts. (gets the six half-dozen boxes out of the car)

 

(Bart and Homer gorge themselves on the donuts. Lisa has a few. Marge takes Maggie inside.

 

Bart: I don’t feel so good. (rolls around on ground)

 

The scene- the Simpsons’ living room

(Homer is on the couch drinking a Duff and eating some of the donuts)

 

Bart: (flips through channels) (ANNNOYED GRUNT) Dad, there’s nothing on TV.

Lisa: Bart, it’s time for the.....

 

TV: Live! From the corner of Zany Avenue and Martin Luther King Boulevard, it’s the Krusty the Clown show!

 

Krusty : Hey, hey! It’s time for the Krusty the Clown show!

 

(Krusty the Clown and Sideshow Mel are playing Monopoly with Mr. Teeny.) (Krusty and Mr. Teeny each have a cigar.)

 

(it’s Krusty turn)

Mr. Teeny: Ooh, ooh, aah, aah (jumps once)

Krusty (laid back) : Oh yeah, it’s my turn (rolls dice) (moves piece) (lands on Park Place, with three houses, owned by Mr. Teeny)

Mr. Teeny: Ooh, ooh , aah, aah (holds deed in hand, jumps)

Krusty: What the hell!?

(a pie fight ensues, all involved are covered)

 

Krusty: And now it’s time for...

Audience: The Itchy and Scratchy show!!

Krusty: They fight! They bite! They fight and bite and fight! Fight, fight, fight! Bite,bite, bite! The Itchy and Scratchy Shooow!

 

TV reads: Itchy and Scratchy in “Dead On”

 

(Itchy is acting as a tarot-card psychic. Scratchy is his client.)

 

Itchy: I see baad things your fuuuture... (turns over Death card)

(Itchy takes out an AK-47 and shoots Scratchy)

 

Bart/Lisa: Hahahaha! (holding their sides)

 

Marge: from kitchen: Homer, Lisa. Family meeting!

 

Bart: Hey, what about me? (says to self) Wait a second, now’s my chance. (steals over to telephone and dials Moe’s number)

 

Moe: Hello. Moe’s Tavern! Moe speaking.

Bart: Uh, I’m looking for a Mrs. Love. First name Bea, middle name Megan.

Moe: Somebody check the ladies room! I wanna Bea Megan Love! I repeat: Bea Megan Love. I repeat, I wanna Bea Megan Love!

Bart: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Moe: It’s you isn’t it? When I catch you I’ll pound you so damn far into the ground you’ll be reading Chinese license plates.

(Bart hangs up)

 

The scene: The Simpsons’ kitchen

Homer, Marge and Lisa are sitting at the table. Maggie is sitting in her highchair. There are plans and the wad of money on the table.

 

Marge: Here’s how I see it. We fry donuts until we’re blue in the face.

Lisa: Don’t you feel guilty about selling something that’ll contribute to the national obesity epidemic?

Homer: Lisa, go to your room. (Lisa leaves to go to her room)

Marge (pointing at plans) We buy one of these (a deep fryer) and plenty of ingredients.

 

Homer: Ooh, Sugar, flour and plenty of original glaze.

Marge: And plenty of oil to fry in.

 

Homer: Ooh!

(Santa’s Little Helper walks in.)

 

Homer: Heeere, boy!

(Homer plays with the dog. Marge fills out the Order form in the Krusty the Klown Make Your Own Doughnuts Catalog) (Marge encloses a check, puts a stamp on it and them puts it in the mailbox)

 

The scene - outside the Simpson house. The caption reads “six to eight weeks later”

 

A UPS truck rolls up to the house. The pimple-faced kid unloads several packages and rings the doorbell.

 

Pimple-faced kid: Packages for a Homer J. Sampson.

Marge: I’ll go get him.

Homer: mmm..... donut making materials

Lisa: looking over the equipment: Dad, I hope we can pay back the loan on all this stuff.

 

Meanwhile, at the Legitimate Businessman’s Social Club, Tony and his compadres are drinking Manhattans.

 

Legs: Eh boss, we need a new money-laundering scam.

Louie: How about a pizzeria?

Legs: A group of {Eye}-talian-Americans opening up a pizzeria? Great!

Fat Tony: Yes. But we will use only quality ingredients. (taps his cigar)

 

The scene- the Simpsons kitchen

Homer is following “Installing Deep Fryers for Dummies”

Marge is mixing up some donut batter and cutting it into rings.

Lisa is making advertisements for “Simpson Donuts - Since 2012”

Maggie is getting sugar in her hair.

 

Donuts are being made at a rapid pace, in all different flavors.

 

On December 15th, Simpson Donuts opens. Tony’s Pizzeria is opening down the street. Cut to views of both businesses doing a good job.

 

            “Tony’s Pizzeria” is quite busy. Show this activity

Lou (standing next to Eddie in Tony’s Pizzeria)(to Fat Tony): Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?

 

Fat Tony: Errr. Agh, how about a pepperoni and sausage? On the house.

Eddie: With extra cheese and you’ve got a deal.

Fat Tony: Excellent. Louie, make these fine young men a pepperoni and sausage with extra cheese.

Lou: Hey, you know where Wiggum is?

Eddie: At that new donut place down the street.

Lou: Did you say “donuts”?

Louie: Your pizza’s done.

Lou/Eddie (eating pizza): Hey, this is good. You guys have a future in this business.

Fat Tony: Yes, but will you fine officers of the law please leave now?

(Lou and Eddie leave.)

 

Wiggum, Lou and Eddie roll up to “Simpson Donuts”

 

Wiggum: (To Bart, who is the order-taker): One dozen jelly donuts, please

Bart: No problemo, man.

Marge: Oh hi, Chief Wiggum. (gives him a box of donuts)- That’ll be $3.99.

Wiggum: Great! Way cheaper than Lard Lad!

(eats a donut)

Wiggum: Wow, these are the best donuts I’ve ever tasted. And I know donuts!

 


End file.
